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Communicate With Clarity

by Audrey Pihulyk

The Key to Understanding and Influencing Others

Communication is a basic human activity and is with us from the time we wake up in the morning until we go to bed at night. If it suddenly disappeared, our entire way of life would crumble. Communication, whether in person, by the printed media, or by using audio/visual technology, enables us to connect with each other. Effective communication between people can help build bridges, mend bridges, solve problems and bring affirmation.

Have you ever addressed a meeting and delivered what you thought was a clear message, but later wondered if anyone had really heard the message? Chances are they may not have. Just because we are in the same room with others does not necessarily mean that we have connected with them, or that they have received the intended message. The person who receives a message sometimes interprets it in terms of their own experience. If the sender and the receiver have not had the same experiences, the message may not be communicated effectively and misunderstandings could follow. Therefore, we need not only to listen with our ears, but also with our eyes and heart. In other words, it is important that we look beyond the words spoken, and take into account the intent of the message through observing body language.

It is primary that we develop good communication skills if we are to be effective as speakers or listeners. Because listening is the most important of all communication skills, we must learn to "listen actively." Active listening is not just being connected with the speaker, but is also the art of listening and discerning the coded messages behind the words spoken. This is listening that requires intense involvement in a conversation, where questions are asked and responses are expected. The more adept we are at listening for feelings, the better we will be at decoding the real message intended.

Active listening with empathy communicates warmth, trust and understanding, and shows that we care and are interested in what the person has to say. It makes them feel that their ideas and feelings are respected, understood, and accepted, thus encouraging further exchanges of ideas. Therefore, we watch for coded messages as expressed by a person’s feelings; then we internalize these messages and mirror them back to the person. By doing this we demonstrate our understanding of the issues they are communicating.

After the other person has expressed their concerns and we have listened with empathy, it is then important to ask some carefully thought-out questions. The best ones are the open-ended or objective types that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." Relying on these open- ended questions to clarify or restate a problem, it will make us more effective facilitators of individual or group discussions. If we execute these procedures properly, we can expect the person we are dealing with to readily open up and respond. Furthermore, by frequently using their name they will begin to feel more connected and comfortable with us. This will give further opportunities to foster discussions and ultimately bring out into the open the feelings, attitudes and biases held by the person. This then facilitates the identification of the underlying problems, and so begins the problem-solving process.

Some of our communication is face to face without words, using what is known as "body language." We smile, we frown, make hand gestures and communicate sympathy or love by the touch of our hands. We communicate how we feel by the expressions on our faces and the tones of our voices. Behavioural scientists say that every thought that goes through our minds is shown somewhere in our bodies.

Body language is an important part of effective communication, but it can also be misread. For example, we say that a person sitting or standing with arms crossed is generally seen as sending negative signals or even being defiant. In one of my seminars, a participant sat at the back of the room with arms folded and with a detached look on his face. I thought that he was disinterested and was judging my material negatively. However, on the evaluation form, he indicated that he had enjoyed the seminar and had received helpful information. I understood then that his body language was merely a way of processing the material given. From this we can see that care should be exercised when interpreting another’s body language. It should never be the sole determiner of how we view the reactions of others.

To communicate positive signals with body language, one should maintain an open body position. This means to sit or stand in a non-threatening manner, at an angle to the other person. Lean slightly towards them, looking thoughtfully and nodding the head while patiently waiting for their input. Being observant of a person’s body, whether the signals sent are positive or negative, will give clues into how that person is feeling, and so will increase our ability to effectively counsel them. As Elmer Wheeler wrote in his book, Sell the Sizzle Not the Steak, "A good listener bends towards you physically, he is with you every moment, nodding and smiling at the right times. He listens ‘a little closer’."

Whether in social life or in the workplace, effective communication is important. We all love it when people listen to us with genuine interest; it affirms us and gives a much needed boost to our self-esteem. Remember, listening is learning; it is where good communication begins. Use it and it can open up many doors of opportunity for you.

Nurse Audrey is the “Stress Strategist,” who brings to your audience cutting-edge strategies and thought-provoking ideas, always with a touch of humour. Her motivating keynote and interactive breakouts are described as inspiring and energizing.

Her book: I Really Gotta Quit! Break Free from Eating Disorders & Other Addictions, together with her audio programs are available through her website. To order product, or to book Audrey to speak at your next meeting, email her at: audrey@possibilitiesnetwork.com, or contact her through her web site: www.possibilitiesnetwork.com , or call 1-866-484-2197

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