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My Friend Bulimia

by Audrey Pihulyk

It was a long winter, but spring finally arrived, bringing with it blue skies and sunshine. Nature’s spring is much anticipated, but what of the spring in our lives? Strange how timing is different for each person; we all seem to have our own seasonal clock. Why did my spring not come earlier? Why was my winter so long? I only know that thoughts of spring–of new beginnings, of hope for something better–did not start for me until I was forty-two.

Before that time, my life was wintry. I was uncomfortable, alone and cold; this was all I knew. My comfort was a friend I had discovered when I was twenty-two, her name was Bulimia. Together Bulimia and I would go up the emotional ladder, then together plunge down. She was so familiar–I knew her features, her moods. She interacted with me on a regular basis, sometimes two or three times a day. We had a real dance going. I could feel her presence mentally and physically, both in my thoughts and in my body.

Bulimia understood me, the only one who really did, for you see, I wore many masks. The mask most people outside my family saw was that of a person of confidence who had a bubbly personality. Oh what a lie! Inside I was passive and browbeaten from the expectations that I carried for myself and the true or imagined expectations of my parents, family and others in the community. There were a few who tried to understand; and some who loved unconditionally, but I don’t think anyone really understood me.

When I was in my twenties, a professional had pooh-poohed the suggestion that there might be a direct correlation between what I ate and how I felt. At the time, I was dealing with a very passive nature coupled with an inferiority complex; because of that, I did not seek any further professional help.

After years of bingeing and purging, I finally realized that if I did not make changes I would die, both emotionally and physically. So began the process of change. Oh how painful it was–digging up the forty-two-year-old garden of my emotions, the secret place where all had been frozen and cold for such a long time. It was as painful as going naked before a group of people. My values, belief systems, ideas–all that my life consisted of–were dug out and carefully examined. "I’ll keep this; I’ll throw away that," is how it went.

What an enlightening, yet painful time. My body was drained of energy, as it was rerouted into the channel of emotion healing. Thus, my journey to health began with two intensive years of allowing the winter to fall away; the difficult yet rewarding task of cultivating my personal garden was underway.

When we are emotionally bruised from childhood, we are essentially a "child" inside, and there is not a developed "parent" to nurture it. Because of the emotional scars I carried, this was my situation. In this condition, thoughts in our minds are judgmental and are like negative tapes played repeatedly. As healing comes, these tapes become weaker and eventually disappear. The emotional child is then replaced by increasing self-love and acceptance from the emerging parent within.

In my case, I discovered that I was all child emotionally, which explained the fragmentation that was obvious in my life. I really had two parts to my emotional child and they were very different. The first part tried so hard to please but had no voice, while the second was articulate and verbally abusive. As the verbal accusations escalated, the first part became increasingly frustrated and this triggered the cycle of bingeing and purging. Time and again, this cycle was played out during the twenty years with my friend Bulimia. However, as time passed, I joyfully discovered that as my understanding increased, the abusive part gradually disappeared and my passive child responded to the love of the emerging parent.

Slowly, Bulimia, my close companion for some twenty years, reluctantly left me. How she struggled to stay. I longed for the escape trips we used to take together, but I was learning to nurture myself in healthy ways. She did not leave easily but kicked up quite a fuss and stood in the shadows for years as her hold on me lessened, ever waiting for me to call her. Eventually she faded away.

Now I hardly recognize my once-most-trusted-friend Bulimia, and I am no longer under her control. I am my own person now, and my garden is in order. The flowers are in full bloom and the air is fresh, fresh with new ideas. I am free!

This article, my first attempt at journaling, has been published in various periodicals and magazines throughout Canada.

Nurse Audrey is the “Stress Strategist,” who brings to your audience cutting-edge strategies and thought-provoking ideas, always with a touch of humour. Her motivating keynote and interactive breakouts are described as inspiring and energizing.

Her book: I Really Gotta Quit! Break Free from Eating Disorders & Other Addictions, together with her audio programs are available through her website. To order product, or to book Audrey to speak at your next meeting, email her at: audrey@possibilitiesnetwork.com, or contact her through her web site: www.possibilitiesnetwork.com , or call 1-866-484-2197

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