Articles & Links » Humorous Articles »

Demystifying the Business Mixer

by Audrey Pihulyk

Definition of the office cubicle: an employee’s small piece of real estate.

The cubicle has been an integral part of the office for a relatively short time and was undoubtedly originated to accommodate the growing number of drones. The value of the cubicle in the workplace is important, giving employees a sense of ownership and pride in having their own little island in the sea of bureaucracy.

There are a number of things that are essential to the cubicle. The most important are the family pictures prominently displayed on the desk to help you remember who you really belong to. In addition to the above, the cubicle also separates you from the annoying habits of your fellow employees. Another benefit is the elimination of the "nasty" distractions that windows often bring: the bright sunshine, green trees, singing birds, not to mention the interesting people strolling by.

Into your sixty-four square-foot space is crowded all of your earthly possessions while at work. The furniture is usually of vintage variety, the new variety of course making its way directly to the offices of upper management. The desk looks as though it was purchased at a school board auction, tired and worn with only two drawers. The chair is armless (you have no time to rest your arms anyway). With the limited space, the challenge is how to configure a filing cabinet, desk, computer table, and coat rack into your own sixty-four square-foot piece of real estate.

Productivity is valued in the office, and efficiency experts are adamant that a catnap between two p.m. and four p.m. greatly elevates this important component. Who am I to argue with these experts? To expedite this important part of your day, place your desk with your back facing the doorway. In this way, anyone passing by will naturally think that you are working, while in truth you are really nodding off. Since napping is of such great value we will look at an efficient way to facilitate it.

Sitting with your chair off center, to the left of your desk, place a letter-sized piece of paper beside your left foot. Letting your left arm hang down, rest your head on your right arm which is carefully placed near the edge of the desk. Rest peacefully until you hear someone enter your cubicle. Then, while making a vain attempt, accompanied by grunting noises, pick up the paper with your hanging left hand. Surprisingly, even the most intelligent among us will think that you were actually in the process of picking up the paper. Yes, a nap in the afternoon will keep an employee sharp and productive for the rest of the day. (If only the boss would recognize this).

Now that we have covered the more important aspects of the cubicle, let us look more closely at the configuration of the entire office. Have you noticed that the size of the cubicle or office increases with the importance of the occupant? Not only the size increases, but note the upgraded carpet, real wood desk and the ergonomic chair with armrests. As a junior employee you can only dream of the day when you too will take part in such amenities.

There are times when your company may move to a different location and the hope of each employee is that their cubicles will be left behind in favour of offices with real walls and doors. Unfortunately, this will not be so. As is the case, equality reigns. All employees who are of the same group must have the same size office space, with the size only increasing as the employee climbs the corporate ladder.

Finding yourself in the new location, your heart is warmed and your spirits lifted as you realize that there is a window in your cubicle space. How nice that you can now see the sun, trees, singing birds, and interesting people. Unfortunately, it does not take long for the real estate planners to come by, measure your plot, and find that it is over the allotted sixty-four square feet. What do they do? They reduce your space to that of the other drones by putting a five-foot cubicle wall in front of the window. Now you are equal with all the others in your group, so there will be no disagreement.

Yes, in the eyes of management the cubicle is seen as a valuable component in the modern office. But to the junior employees, it merely reinforces the fact that they are only one of the clones occupying a small, standard space in the office. However, with hard work and continued skill development, you, yes even you, the junior employee, can graduate from your own sixty-four foot piece of real estate to an upscale office, with a window, oak furniture, carpet, and a real door.

Nurse Audrey is the “Stress Strategist,” who brings to your audience cutting-edge strategies and thought-provoking ideas, always with a touch of humour. Her motivating keynote and interactive breakouts are described as inspiring and energizing.

Her book: I Really Gotta Quit! Break Free from Eating Disorders & Other Addictions, together with her audio programs are available through her website. To order product, or to book Audrey to speak at your next meeting, email her at: audrey@possibilitiesnetwork.com, or contact her through her web site: www.possibilitiesnetwork.com , or call 1-866-484-2197

Yes! You are welcome to reprint this article with the understanding that 1) Possibilities Network Inc. retains full copyrights, 2) The byline and contact information is included as written here and, 3) Possibilities Network Inc. is contacted and sent a copy of the publication in which the article appears.