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When Life Becomes a War Zone

by Audrey Pihulyk

Dealing Effectively with Challenging People

Are there people in your life who frequently explode emotionally, who are indecisive, negative, or uncommunicative? Trying to deal successfully with these people, whether in your personal or business life, can be a frustrating experience. But take heart; there are some steps that can be taken to bring them on side.

Remember the last time you suffered sunburn? Painful, wasn’t it? The same may be said of the difficult person – they are in pain. Emotional conflicts which bring pain to these people may be due to a number of factors that range from unresolved childhood trauma, such as sexual or physical abuse, to the lack of positive parental affirmation.

The challenging behavior may also originate from an innate need to survive. In the past, negative behavior worked for them, so today it has become a reinforced way of behaving. In most situations, therefore, challenging people behave in ways that will help keep, or re-establish their control over others, while at the same time restoring their own sense of balance and self- esteem.

Sometimes conflicts which arise between interacting individuals may be due to personality differences. So it is important when dealing with these difficult people to have some knowledge of the dynamics of personality and how it affects behavior.

So who are these challenging people? Well, we can broadly identify them as aggressive or passive. An aggressive person may be described as being pushy and intimidating, capable of erupting into a tirade of words for seemingly no reason. They usually have a strong sense of how others should act and think, and come from an "I am superior" orientation. From this lofty domineering position they are capable of intimidating their victims, keeping them defensive and off balance. These people need to be dealt with carefully, but firmly.

In a work situation it is wise to ask yourself a few key questions before taking on one of these "heavies." Ask, "Can they injure me personally?" "Is my own work at an acceptable standard?" "Is this negative criticism hurled at me, warranted?" The answers to these questions and other related ones need to be carefully thought out before confronting such a person.

When confronted by an aggressive person, it may be difficult to get them to calm down, so give them time to run down and gain self-control. While waiting, mirror their actions. Use voice and stance similar to theirs. After letting them fume for a short time, interrupt them as often as needed, calling them by name. Keep eye contact with the aggressor, and encourage them to sit down, as most people behave less aggressively when seated. If they do sit down, follow through with empathy, watching for coded messages that may reveal clues as to what they are really trying to say. Internalize and mirror these messages back to them while asking open-ended questions in order to get at the real issue. Using this assertive approach of standing up to the aggressor will help them realize that you are not a person that can be attacked easily or successfully.

The second group of difficult people are the passive type. This group includes the negativists, the chronic complainers, and those who respond with "no comment." The negativists are those who act out negatively toward most situations and feel that they have little or no power over their own lives. Therefore, through their negativity they hope to gain a measure of power over others by creating despair in them. Their power comes from dragging others down to their level, leaving their victims feeling frustrated, helpless and incapable of making sound decisions. These negativists dampen any suggestions with “There is nothing we can do, so why bother trying.”

The second type of passive individuals are the chronic complainers, those difficult people who manage to find fault with most everything. They tend to view themselves as powerless and incapable of making changes. So they blame others for causing their woes, and this complaining keeps them appearing blameless and perfect, while leaving their victims feeling guilty and wrong. However, we must not mistake these skilled complainers with those people who have legitimate complaints, those who want to get something done.

The third type of passive people are the silent ones, those who can’t or won’t talk, many times just when you need them to do so. They retreat into the safety of silence by withholding their words. Unfortunately, the motivation behind this silence may be a form of quiet aggression used to gain control over you by shutting down. They get pleasure out of watching you try to make them talk. However, it should be noted that not all people who are silent are "difficult." There are some who are naturally timid, others who are quiet because they are processing information, and still others who have no comments to make at this time.

Coping with the different types of passive people basically follows similar patterns. One should be patient and listen attentively and not try to argue them out of their pessimism. Doing so may cause them to further clam up or to complain louder. And do not try to persuade them to admit that they are wrong or allow yourself to be drawn yourself into negativism. State realistic optimism, stay on topic, and give them ample opportunity to talk. Affirm them by letting them know that what they have to say is important, while showing them that some other alternatives are worth trying. Set a time limit for dealing with each situation. If a stalemate occurs, reschedule another appointment and be ready to go back and try again.

To summarize, when working with challenging people, appraise the situation: Am I the one that is being difficult? Is the difficult person acting out of character? What may have triggered the difficult behaviour? Will pointed, honest communication relieve the situation? Doing some thoughtful investigation before dealing with challenging people will help you develop positive and productive interaction with them.

Nurse Audrey is the “Stress Strategist,” who brings to your audience cutting-edge strategies and thought-provoking ideas, always with a touch of humour. Her motivating keynote and interactive breakouts are described as inspiring and energizing.

Her book: I Really Gotta Quit! Break Free from Eating Disorders & Other Addictions, together with her audio programs are available through her website. To order product, or to book Audrey to speak at your next meeting, email her at: audrey@possibilitiesnetwork.com, or contact her through her web site: www.possibilitiesnetwork.com , or call 1-866-484-2197

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